Middle Earth Virtual Tours
by LaurielS
Summary: Ever wanted to explore Middle Earth, but not wishing to leave the comforts of home? Middle Earth Virtual Tours is your choice travel agency! Follow The Author as she explores ME, not keeping her thoughts to herself. Fifth vacation spot: Rohan (sets in Fourth Age). This is a parody- you have been warned. Reviews and Comments are highly appreciated.
1. Rivendell

**Middle** **Earth Virtual Tours**

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or anything, only my own ideas. I did not write for benefit, nor did I aim to insult anyone through this story.

Author's note: This is going to be quite AU. And there's a mixture of movie and canon things in this...story. It may also attempt to explain the things seen in the movie that is inconsistent with the book. It is a parody, written when I felt rather evil. You have been warned.

With that, let me introduce you to our first destination,

**Rivendell**

Welcome to Rivendell, Mr An- I mean, ladies and gentlemen. It is a great pleasure to see all of you here alive, even though a few days ago Ringwraiths have been seen in this area chasing a poor hobbit. You are now in the vicinity of the Last Homely House, the beautiful, ornate building that was built in the Second Age, where railings and safety were not the norm. This would also mean that getting to and around Rivendell may prove to be dangerous unless you are an elf or a gymnast. Although you can see the house from here, it will probably take you another hour before you reach the entrance, owing to the steep, inconveniently narrow slope you will encounter on your way there, and the various misleading paths that have successfully protected Rivendell from being discovered by the enemies because the orcs always give up after one try (though it is questionable why the Nazgul or any other flying fell beasts have never discovered it as they have the privilege of a bird's eye view of everything from the skies). However, seeing as all of you here are on a virtual tour, we may imagine that we have wings and fast forward buttons to transport us to the House directly.

Attraction 1: The Council Room

This is the place where the Council of Elrond was held, and it is lucky that it was neither a hot summer day nor raining on the day of the council, for the room itself resembles more like an open platform with no roofs, and would have been uncomfortably hot or wet if either of them happened. You will undoubtedly also wonder the appropriateness of having a council bell and holding a secret council in an open area, to which I cannot answer because the elves have not given me a good explanation, apart from "because it seemed like a good idea at that time". Please do take your pictures now, but please refrain from touching or sitting on any chairs, especially those sat by Legolas, Aragorn or Frodo. We have only 10 minutes in this area, and fangirling will slow down the whole process.

Attraction 2: The Hall of Fire

Unlike its name, the Hall of Fire is not on fire, and neither should you attempt to set it on fire. There is, however, a fireplace should you need any warmth. The music you hear now is composed by Rivendell's resident minstrel Lindir, who also famously composed the Tra La La Lally song in happier times. We shall stop here for a few moments to attempt to appreciate Elvish art and history, although most of us will not understand what the songs mean.

Attraction 3: The Sword that was Broken

Despite many rumors and misleading myths, this sword here is merely a copy of the sword of Narsil, the sword that was broken, as it has been reforged and is now under the possession of Isildur's heir. That is the reason why the sword here is broken into six pieces rather than two. To see Anduril, I suggest that you take another trip to Gondor a few years later to see its reforged form after it becomes truly a living legend. Please do not touch the blades- it is definitely still sharp although the copy was made at the same time as Narsil, for the work of the elves do not degrade so easily as ours do. Having said that, please do not use flash when taking a photograph of it, for it was, after all, made a few hundred years ago and may be photosensitive, which would explain why it is darker here as compared to the other parts of the House.

Attraction 4: The Rivendell Library

Yes, feast your eyes on the collection of books here! There is almost every kind of book in here written in every Middle Earth language, which unfortunately does not include English or any of our current languages, a common misconception. However, if you are a Tolkien fanatic, this is likely to be your paradise- the Silmarillion and the whole collection of the History of Middle Earth is available in almost all the languages such as Quenya, Sindarin and of course Westron, translated and painstakingly handwritten by our resident scholar, Erestor.

Attraction 5: Healing Rooms

Likely every elf has come here before, especially the twins, Aragorn and Legolas, according to the rumors on certain fanfiction websites. The usual attire of the patients is a white, loose garb so that it couples with the whitish bedsheets, pillows and floor tiles. The room is also exceedingly bright, and it is a wonder how anyone can see with such strong light and reflection from all the whiteness in the rooms. This also makes taking a good picture without lens flare really difficult, though you are welcomed to try. There are many resident healers here, the most powerful being Lord Elrond, the Lord of Imladris, who had famously healed Frodo just a few days ago.

As we walk towards the dining halls for lunch, it is unfortunate that we have come to the end of the short tour of Rivendell. We regret that you would not be able to see the military grounds as that is Settlement Secret. We regret that that also means that it is unlikely that you will meet Glorfindel, the famous Balrog slayer reborn, though that might be best for your health because many have fainted upon seeing his gloriousness, according to him. However, this shall be readily recompensated by the mouthwatering delicacies of Rivendell. Do take a seat, and food that has been specially requested to be non vegetarian, unless you have requested otherwise, shall be served soon. Should you still wish to see more of Middle Earth, please click the review button to contact me and make a reservation.

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Middle Earth Virtual Tours: the only tour that is free, fast and 100% safe.


	2. Gondor

**Middle Earth Virtual Tours**

Disclaimer: See first chapter.

Author's Note: Thank you for the reviews, Mirlasse, Aria Breuer, horseyyay and OneSizeFitsAll!  
To Mirlasse: Erestor is unfortunately stuck with the horrible job of informing Thranduil and Denethor of what their sons had been chosen to do and is getting a headache from it. He gives his thanks for specifically wishing to see him, and invites you to the library for a cup of tea. The Author would like to tell you that she has indeed read the story you mentioned and enjoyed it thoroughly, though the idea firstly came to her because she was lazy to invent another minstrel's name. However, she has always been influenced by the fanfiction writer Erestor whenever she attempts humour stories because Erestor is just so good.

To Aria Breuer: The Author thinks so too! But The she guesses that it won't hurt to purposely impress upon this stereotype from the movie here, seeing as it is a parody. Thank you for your kind review!

To horseyyay: Thank you! You are very kind :)

To OneSizeFitsAll: The Rivendell cooks are extremely sorry for the slow speed; your meal will be served soon. To compensate for this, a special Rivendell cookie will be sent to you shortly. All destinations are available as long as three criteria are fulfilled: enough reservations, available on standard ME map and that The Author is free to bring all of you there.

The Author will now stop referring to herself in the third person to adopt a more consumer friendly first person in the next destination:

**Minas Tirith** **(a part of Gondor)**

Here we are, just outside the city of Gondor. If you look upwards, the tip of the entire pyramid shape thing is the palace, where the Royal family of Gondor lives. The only way to enter the city from the plains where we are standing is from the lowest level; and yes, we are going to the tip eventually. I hope you brought hiking boots or sports shoes.

Attraction 1: The City  
No doubt you find this city very pretty, but as the building that borders the East, it is a wonder that the city has not yet been demolished by Evil. You may especially note that the city can be easily demolished by firing stones from the top so that they crush everything at the bottom as they roll down the mountain side- not that The Author is encouraging any attempts to do so, of course. According to experts, the building was much stronger in the past, but weathering has apparently weakened the stones, which was why a large part of it was so easily destroyed in the war, as recorded by a journalist on video. The cliff that protrudes out is part of the natural stone upon which the city is built, and the lack of railings once again shows the lack of regard for safety by the builders of the Second Age- indeed, it is a popular belief that the last Steward lost his life by falling off the cliff, burning. There have apparently been complains about the vulnerability of the city and its safety hazards, and the new King of Gondor has promised that something will be done about it soon, although nothing has been done about it for the past hundreds of years.

Attraction 2: Inside the City  
We will be spending fifteen minutes at the base for those who would like to buy some local produce or local delicacies. You are also advised to buy water because the hike up there is going to take more than one hour, and the roads are rather bumpy. What did you ask? How did Lord Faramir survive being dragged by a horse when he was almost dead from the bottom of the city to the tip? A miracle, definitely. No wonder Lord Denethor was so sure he was dead.

Attraction 3: Houses of Healing  
Almost. There. Allow me to stop on the sixth level to introduce you to the famous Houses of Healing, where Lord Faramir met and fell in love with Lady Eowyn. Nothing really worth noting here, except that it may be a bit dark and depressing for a place that is supposed to resemble a modern day hospital. However, that might have contributed to the romance between these two, though this is still questionable.

Attraction 4: Courtyard/ The White Tree of Gondor  
This. This is the White Tree of Gondor, the miracle tree that is able to survive without having any chlorophyll to make food. This is also the national symbol of Gondor and is the only one left in the world. Take many pictures of this Tree, though with any luck, the Tree will be here for many years, for it is said that it lives as long as the line of Kings is strong. From here, you will be able to see the city of Ithilien, ruled by Lord Faramir. The fairest place in the city you can see from here is the small colony established by Prince Legolas. Both lords are frequently seen about in the city (indeed, they can be seen now; please do not hyperventilate), however, due to the recent incident involving a Mary Sue escaping into the city, a new rule has been set by the King of Gondor that bans foreign tour groups from entering. We regret that this rule also applies to us, and we can go no further.

Attraction 5: The Throne Room  
Welcome to the Throne Room of Gondor. It is certainly majestic, but it is an utter pain to clean every corner of the room such as the tall arches and domes. The huge size of the room serves two purposes: for the King's subjects during their weekly meetings and as the meeting point for large travel groups like ours. The King gives his regrets that he is unable to meet you in person, but points you to the various statues in the room depicting the past rulers of Gondor. Should you like a portrait of him and his family on an A5 paper, please purchase them at any stall in Gondor. As none of us is the King, we are not allowed to sit on the Throne; however, you may take a picture with it. Fangirls of the King, please refrain from kissing the Throne. It is most unhygienic and creepy. Weapon lovers, however, will be instantly drawn to the sword hanging near the Throne on the wall. This is a model of the sword Anduril, the King's heirloom, as the sword is current still in the King's possession.

We have now come to the end of the short trip, and you may now proceed to the dining halls for lunch. However, please do not eat too much for lunch, as we will be descending the city later by either hot air balloons or gliders from said cliff in Attraction One, unless you would like to take a one hour walk down again. Adventure lovers are encouraged to buy gliders as this is the only place in Middle Earth where you can glide down to the Pelennor Fields without much fear of crashing into anything. Take note, though, that you are expected to return the glider at the first level of the city, for gliders are extremely hard to make with their current technology. I hope you have enjoyed your stay here, and do click on the review button to make a reservation for the next venue.

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Middle Earth Virtual Tours: the only tour that is free, fast and 100% safe. Maybe.


	3. The Shire

**Middle** **Earth** **Virtual** **Tours**

Thank you for your reviews, Mirlasse, Aria Breuer and OneSizeFitsAll, icprncss2, deelzy and Lily Lindsey-Aubrey!

To Mirlasse: Thank you for your review! I hope you enjoyed your tea in the library!

To Aria Breuer: The Author is pleased you have said that, because Timon and Pumbaa have been her favorite characters since young.

To OneSizeFitsAll: The Author is not a Gondorian and does not speak Westron and is hence unable to convince the King that she is not a Mary Sue. She is thus not allowed inside. To the hair problem, The Author believes the main problem lies not in the hair length but in the shampoo they use, because she likes the silky hair of elves, and has suggested to the elves to at least give them tips on proper hair care. Denethor's chair is still there, but The Author would like to point out that it looks incredibly pointy to hug well. There is no base jumping because that has been banned, according to a certain rumour on fanfiction :)

To icprncss: Ah, a Silmarillion reader! You raised possible destinations that The Author will seriously consider, as The Author did contemplate visiting Gondolin once if not for the amount of trouble she has to go through to reach the place. The Author shall have to read more up before she starts organizing tours there, however, and she asks for your forgiveness for that.

To deelzy: Thank you for enjoying the story. Now that you put it this way, The Author is itching to bring people there. With safety gear of course.

To Lily Lindsey-Aubrey: I am glad you liked this story! Mordor will probably be soon. I know how many people enjoy reading about Mordor these days :)

For now, The Author shall drop the third person and introduce the next destination,

**The** **Shire**

Ahhhh, the relaxing green hills, extremely peaceful scenery and comfortable chatter, all found here in this quaint little countryside known as the Shire. Known for loving food and hating adventures, this countryside has surprisingly produced quite a number of heroes, some of who are unacknowledged. As we walk about later, we will be able to hear a song that curiously resembles that in a certain movie. I have been told that that song is the Anthem of the Shire, but they sold its copyrights to a producer in exchange for good food. I hope you brought a lot of good food for this journey, for they can be used as currency if necessary, as deduced from above.

Southfarthing

A long walk from the city, the Southfarthing is nevertheless home to the best pipeweed in the whole if Middle Earth, so good that even Wizards, angels in disguise, crave desperately for it. Reviews such as 'Out of this world' have been given by an addicted Gandalf and Saruman, though the latter insists he isn't (yeah, sure, and have barrows of it half a world away?). However, the fact that the Wizards remain alive after smoking it for so many years does not mean that pipeweed is healthier than tobacco- they are not afflicted with health hazards in the same way as us. Remember: Gandalf can come back to living world as his old self. We can't.

Frodo's house

A very familiar house, is it not? This is Bag End, Frodo's and Bilbo's house that is extremely well hidden, what with the green door that complements the wooden walls. It currently belongs to the actual but often overlooked hero of the story, Samwise Gamgee. We regret that we are unable to enter the hobbit hole as there are simply too many of us here, and the latest inhabitants do not wish to have their chandelier destroyed as the Big People (and Wizards) bump into them. And no, you are not allowed to throw rings into the fireplace and see if it will melt or come out cool. The Ring That Must Not Be Named is destroyed, and the family has enough rings already.

A particular tree that you can see from here in the nearby fields may seem different to you, and indeed it is. This is the Mallorn tree, the same one seen in Lothlorien. Contrary to popular beliefs, Lady Galadriel did not specially give a rope to Sam because obviously the Lothlorien elves will give ropes to the fellowship- there is no need for the Lady to give one to him as her special gift. However, this brings us to the question of why no one got extra ropes back in Rivendell before they set off, which no one has yet answered. Anyway, the Mallorn tree you see here sprouted from the Seed and Earth the Lady had bestowed to Sam as The Gift (though, considering the circumstances then, perhaps not the most practical thing) and is most precious to the hobbits here, though not as precious as good food.

Frodo, by the way, is not a young hobbit, nor did not leave his hobbit hole immediately. The 'Frodo' that left was merely an illusion created by Gandalf to differentiate between readers and non-re- I mean, to confuse the servants of Evil. Oh and did I say that Frodo is actually about 50 years old? The nineteen year old look was a glitch in Mithrandir's magic.

We will take a 15 minutes stop here to take photos. We regret, however, that there is no toilet stop here, because I assure you that getting to the toilet in the first place is a very difficult job for us Big People. The effort is not worth it.

Woody Hall

This is the exact spot where Frodo and his company of hobbits met the elves passing West to Valinor, and where Sam fan-hobbited upon seeing the Elves. The general surprised reaction of the elves to the hobbits indicate that hobbits are a rare species on Middle Earth and therefore is to be treasured- and four of them were sent on a near suicidal quest? No idea. Well at least they managed to return and save this pretty place from falling to Evil eventually, no small thanks to Gildor, the leader of the elves, who sent word about Frodo's plight to Tom Bombadil and Aragorn, thus indirectly saving the hobbits before they set off to Mordor. Who is Gildor? Please consult the Red Book you should already have. He is but one character the movie has missed out.

Brandywine river

This is the river that borders the Shire and which the hobbits had to cross to get out of the Shire. Contrary to popular beliefs, they were not chased by a Ringwraith whilst crossing the Bridge- if they were, I highly doubt that that river itself would stop a Ringwraith from the ring. The hobbits were actually ferried to the opposite bank by Farmer Maggot after they met with danger. The more exciting account is possibly a rumour to enliven the whole story of the hobbits' journey and to show how well hobbits can jump.

We will now stride quickly to the nearest inn, The Prancing Pony. To get there, we will be passing by numerous places. There may be another tour introducing these places separately because it does not do them justice to have only a short snappy introduction to them, which the hungry and tired Author will start giving if she is asked to describe any more places before she is served lunch. However, the Author cannot resist herself and shall specifically point out Tom Bombadil's house which everyone is passing by now because it houses a powerful character Tom Bombadil, who, although playing an important role in saving Frodo, has never been featured on films before, when even a non existing character like Tauriel did.

We are now at The Prancing Pony. Food that was served to the hobbits then, but in larger portions, will be served soon. Please note that children are not allowed to drink alcoholic drinks, so please do not claim that you are travelling with a hobbit to get alcohol for them. The chair which Strider (now the King of Gondor and technically also of the Shire should he wished to claim it) once sat is still where it once was, though you will have to pay the barman one silver piece to borrow a coat, sit on it and pose as him. I hope you enjoy your meal, and should you still wish to visit more places in Middle Earth, please leave a review to make a booking.

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Middle Earth Virtual Tours: the only tour that is fast, free, and 100% safe. Maybe.


	4. Mordor

**Middle Earth Virtual Tours**

Disclaimer: see chapter 1.

Author's Note: Hooray, so many reviews! The Author shall answer them after she survives this next tour:

**Mordor**

Welcome to Mordor, the hottest place on Middle Earth and the only place where you can find a volcano. I apologise for this rather late tour as it was a pain trying to plan the entire trip without Sauron or any of his minions knowing. I hope that you have taken the advice of our travel agency to buy a fireproof and heat proof protection suit, seeing as you have not heeded the agent's advice to not sign up for the tour in the first place. You might have tried to buy some travel insurance to cover your tour; however, you would have discovered this is not possible as the mortality rate is too high for any insurance to cover. Well well if you decide not to enter Mordor now you may turn back, but you will not get your money back, seeing as you did not pay anything to come here in the first place

Black Gate

We are currently standing right at the entrance of the Black Gate. This is the place where many great battles took place, and it is rumored that another great army lead by the rather reckless King Aragorn himself will be coming here soon (seriously, is he not even worried that he will die in this battle and thus ending the line of Elros, which so many people have painstakingly tried to protect? Commanding the army is fine, but personally fighting? That seems too dangerous for an only heir to do.). Right at the slopes here is where Frodo and Sam once slipped down from and only just missed detection because the soldier did not realize that it was odd to have a large stone amongst a sea of sand. You may take some pictures here, but we regret that we will not be able to show you the exact spot where Frodo and Sam were as their travel path is supposed to remain a Secret.

We will be entering Mordor through another more significant and interesting route as it is said that this iron-wrought spiky gate is troll operated and so will not work in the morning. We do not suggest any attempts to climb over it as you may easily be impaled by the spikes on top.

Minas Morgul

Find this place familiar? That's right, this is where the Nazguls rode/ flew out from to search for the 'Bagginses'. The whole tower is very tall and seems to be bathed in some aurora-like green light, a major technical feat only recently accomplished by some of the more brilliant minions of Sauron which have been trained in lighting effects so as to make the entire place seem more sinister.

Interestingly, this place was initially founded by Isildur and built by the men of Gondor. How handy it must have been for Sauron when he found this place, though looking at how weathering weakened Gondor, he had ordered metal to substitute most of the stonework to strengthen the building- a good move, I must say. At least it will not crumble that easily.

We will now enter the building. We shall soon have to climb a lot of stairs, so please change into your hiking boots. We should really charge people for climbing stairs as it is essentially a slimming down activity, but as no money is made in the process of bringing people on tours, we have to let go of this money making opportunity.

Shelob's lair

Knife? Ready. Anti venom? Ready. The Light of Earendil? What? No one has been to Lothlorien before? Oh dear. But you do have the modern version of the Light, known as the Torchlight, right? Yes, I suppose so. Let's enter the cave!

Hmmm it seems like someone has been here before. The webs have been cut. What's this? I believe this was Shelob, the lair's owner. Oh dear, it seems like the giant that had recently broken the Middle Earth Records as being the Largest Surviving Spider is now dead, stabbed by something child size, like a hobb- oops, I mean, eh small Orc! It is curious, though, that the bits of web on the floor that seems to have been part of a casing the small Orc is different from the webs gracing the lair. I wonder if Shelob had different types of silk for different purposes.

From this place onwards, you must be in constant vigilance as you may accidentally be killed by orcs or taken back to their prison for looking different from orcs. Should you suddenly feel like an Orc is suspicious of you, mutter some curses or hiss the word 'Shire, Bagginses' and you shall be fine.

Barad dur

This is Barad dur, the tower where the flaming eyeball resides. Contrary to popular belief, that eyeball is not Sauron itself for Sauron still needs to command his army who would not understand his commands through only glares and stares. Should he be an eyeball, he would also be the saddest Maiar on Middle Earth, seeing as he cannot even sleep as he has no eyelid. At this point, however, I must emphasise that you should not be wearing any rings in case you happen to possess the One and thereby drawing the Eye's attention to us. By the way, this is also the tallest tower in Mordor and perhaps even the tallest in Middle Earth which would have made a really good observatory tower if there were no clouds in Mordor. As a lookout post, however, it seems questionable seeing as it is almost in the middle of Mordor rather than its outskirts.

Mount Doom

We are now nearing the mouth of Middle Earth's only active volcano, Mount Doom! From here, you may observe an opening in the volcano, where red light is coming through. That is the entrance to reach the heart of Mount Doom. Rumors have it that Elrond led Isildur to the heart itself, but after much verification, it is believed that that rumor initially arise to give a short introduction to the Second Age, but it has since been used by Sauron to teach new servants how weak Men actually are. Please do put on your fire and heat proof gear now as we will be entering the volcano and coming close to molten lava, which is a few hundred degrees Celsius.

We are now in Mount Doom, the only place where you can feel and see lava beneath your feet without being vaporised. Again, there are no railings, so please be careful. No, you may not throw any rings or jewellery in there as this would undoubtedly attract attention from Sauron, who will vanquish us and ensure that we never make it back again. Also, to attract attention would mean that Sauron will realize that he had forgotten to add metal bars to seal the entrance to this very important place (he had ordered that to be done a long time ago, but the orcs forgot to do it), which could potentially ruin the whole story. Oh dear, there are no Sauron's minions in this tour group, are there?

We shall have a barbeque here for lunch, where you can rest assure that you are not the main course as long as you do not attract attention. I have brought some meat and vegetables which we can roast over the lava using sticks provided, so do enjoy this rare privilege which the inhabitants here do not have. We regret that you would not be able to enjoy Mordorian cuisine as a cook that passes our hygiene standards could not be found. Should you wish to join us on the next tour, please press the review button to contact our agency.

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Middle Earth Virtual Tours: the only tour that is free, fast and 100% safe. Maybe.

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Author's Note: (Yay I survived!)

Thank you so much for your kind reviews, horseyay, Mirlasse, OneSizeFitsAll, Lily Lindsey-Aubrey, icprncss2, Aria Breuer, Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant!

To horseyyay: no worries about that! I'm glad you loved it :) I hope you have made a truce with those kittens :)

To Mirlasse: Thanks for the review! I'm glad you enjoyed your tea :)

To OneSizeFitsAll: Hmm maybe The Author would start a story involving haircuts when she is in an evil mood. You never know. Also, thanks for your comments about the story! I agree, it did help to speed things up a bit. But it would have been interesting to see elves being interested in hobbits :) The Author has clarified with the inn keeper that 1 gold piece will be charged to pose as any of the hobbits- that is why this inn has grown bigger these few years. You may see the room where the Nazgul slashed up the sheets if you do not mind waiting as there is currently a very long queue to that room.

To Lily Lindsey-Aubrey: Oh dear, it seems like The Author made a slip there (thanks for pointing it out!) Luckily, the food is virtual, so nothing was wasted :) I'm glad you enjoyed reading it!

To icprncss2: Barrow downs and Tom Bombadil is likely to be in a separate story if enough people sign up for it, and if The Author is free to bring people around. Yes hobbits do love eating :)

To Aria Breuer: Yes, hobbits have their own currency (I think) :) The food is an alternative in this parody. Thanks for liking the story!

To Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant: Thanks for the review! I enjoy reading your stories, by the way; indeed, this chapter was partly inspired by your story, "Amazing Middle-earth Vacation Spots" (Mordor) so please update that story soon! And yay, a fan of Elrond! I am sure he would be glad, after how the movie partly destroyed his character. Kidnapping Glorfindel would be difficult, though kidnapping his horse may be another story :)

To ccgaylord: I'm so sorry I missed you out the first time round! Thanks for enjoying this story and leaving a review :) I enjoy reading your Survival of the Fellowship! And yay someone recognized The Matrix :)


	5. Rohan

**Middle Earth Virtual Tours**

Author's Note: I'm not very familiar with Rohan, which was why this took longer and, sadly, may not be as humourous. Replies to reviews will be given later as the Author is currently feeling a bit nervous having to introduce a place which she is not very familiar with.

Disclaimer: see first chapter.

**Rohan**

Welcome, everyone to one of the lands of Men and perhaps the safest city in Middle Earth as there are no high places that warrants the need to have railings. Horse lovers will absolutely love it here, but unfortunately, none of us are allowed to settle in here because none of us speak their tongue and cannot thus convince King Eomer of our harmlessness, especially as certain rumours on fanfiction claim that the King has had encounters with Mary Sues. Do note, however, that some of the residents here know a little of the English language, particularly things related to horses, so please refrain from saying that you would like to eat anything which word has 'horse' in it, from horse meat itself to horse radishes. You will not be looked upon kindly and may be asked to leave. Once all of us are clear on that point, we will now proceed with the tour.

Fangorn Forest

We start off this tour in the outskirts of Rohan, a very important patch of woodlands known as Fangorn Forest. It is rumored that the trees in this Forest are able to move about, a rumour confirmed true as a an Explorer filmed a tree carrying two hobbits around. In addition, security cameras at Isengard have also filmed trees bringing down the city, thus further confirming this fact. Here, we advice you not to brandish any sharp pointy objects in the shape of an axe, or we won't be responsible if a tree attempts to kidnap you. Unfortunately, we cannot promise you that you will be able to meet an Ent, being a highly endangered species; however, if you have any news of female Ents, you may say that out loud to increase your chances of catching a glimpse of Ents moving. For those of you who wish to grow taller, you may attempt to drink from the Entwash river, though the effects may vary as we are not hobbits and this is not the strongest of Ent-draughts. We regret to say that as none of us at the agency are Ent experts, we are not able to point out to you the exact tree which Merry and Pippin was on. You may try to take a picture by climbing on random trees, but given the lighting in here, it will be surprising if your picture turns out better than patches of black ink.

Gap of Rohan

The Gap is essentially just the entrance into Rohan that is flanked by two hills. It was here that the former Prince of Rohan, Theodred, fell, so it holds a certain place in each Rohirrim's heart. It was also here that Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli first met King Eomer, who was exiled at that time. Random travellers who happened to pass by at that time remarked that the encircling feat by the soldiers was truly excellent and reminded them of a certain LOTR spin off where the horses stood on two legs and danced around the trio. It was also a difficult feat to have everyone pointing spears at three people without accidentally spearing any of their own kind. The first conversation between the two parties was less than courteous, though the Author felt that King Eomer is not the one responsible as he has the right to question the three trespassers and be suspicious of them after being chased out of Rohan for being loyal to the King.

Helms Deep

This is the place where most of the action in The Two Towers took place. It is said that this place is one of the best fortresses in Middle Earth, but looking at the map, one cannot help but wonder why the fortress is nearer to the entrance of Rohan than Edoras itself. Contrary to popular belief, the Battle at Helms Deep did not see the arrival of Lothlorien elven archers, and Haldir most certainly did not die there, for he is currently enjoying his time in Lothlorien. Legolas also did not slide down a shield because that would just have exposed him as a better target, being the only glowing form that can surf shields. However, businessmen in Rohan have taken this money making opportunity and have set up a shield surfing stall, so for those of you who would like to try out shield surfing, you may do so, though the agency is not responsible for any broken bones and emptied purses.

Amidst all these rumors, at least one thing is true: the rather childish game of killing orcs between Gimli and Legolas did take place in the Battle. For those who have seen the Extended version of the Battle of Helms Deep adaptation, Gimli won the game, though it must be said that Legolas, being a gracious elf Prince and the one with more fangirls, did not begrudge him for it. However, it should be wondered why only 40 plus orcs were killed by each of them, seeing as the Battle must have taken place for more than 6 hours, and so averaging about 1 Orc every 10 minutes when Legolas can fire an arrow accurately in a minute. Perhaps they forgot to count the number of orcs killed when Legolas pushed the ladder away from the wall, or did that just counts as one? Or was that someone else? Nevertheless, we will stop here for now to take some pictures and, for the more adventurous ones, try out shield surfing.

Rohan (city)

A typical countryside village, the houses in Edoras are mostly made out of wood and span across a large area. Restoration work is still taking place after a large part of it was pillaged and burnt, so if any of you are able to give a helping hand, please sign up here. Your contributions will be taken into consideration should you eventually decide to apply to stay in Rohan, though you will have to build your own house. Also, by signing up to help out for the restoration programme, you might just be able to slip into the royal horse barns and take a picture of Eomer's horse since the city is contributing all its horses for manual work in a bid to clean up the village as soon as possible.

The Golden Hall

Undoubtedly the grandest house in Edoras although possibly the least grand of all the royal houses in appearance in Middle Earth, the Golden Hall has just about every thing a person needs except for light in some important rooms; indeed, even a small fireplace in the healing room was unable to light up the entire room. Considering how important light is, the technicians in Edoras have invented a new lighting device and will be installed soon, making the healing rooms as bright as the hall itself for practical purposes. Amongst the numerous things the House is changing, the King has specially installed new ropes to tie flags to their respective poles to prevent any flags from flying off and breaking people's hearts at appropriate times.

As we enter the throne room, you will undoubtedly be drawn to the new display corner only recently established by the King featuring the important swords in battle. The one at the top is Herugrim, King Theoden's sword, and the two swords to its left and right is Guthwine, Eomer's sword and the sword Eowyn used to kill the Witch King, respectively. Unfortunately, you are not allowed to touch them, but should you like a replica, you may purchase one just outside the Hall for one gold piece.

We will proceed to the dining hall now for lunch, where the best and most representative dishes of Rohan will be served soon. If you would like to pose as Aragorn, Legolas or Gimli when they had their meal here, please do so quickly so that the rest of the tour members and I do not have to starve. Yes, this is a free service because you have already paid for it together with the meal you are about to have. Before we leave you to savour the delicacies of Rohan, the agency regrets to say that its sole employee will be extremely busy with work from now and will, for a long time, be unable to bring you anywhere. I hope you have had a good time with us, and do subscribe and follow us to get the latest update of this agency. Should you have any tips or feedback to improve our tour packages, please contact the employee by clicking on the review button.

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Middle Earth Virtual Tours: the only tour that is free, fast and 100% safe. Maybe.

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Replies to reviews :)

Thank you all for reviewing! I realised that many of you mentioned that Shelob wasn't actually killed. Oops. I guess she was playing dead at that time then. Lucky she didn't decide to eat us all alive at that moment. Must have been all the Torchlights :) Oh, and roasting marshmallows are welcomed, but as the Author has accidentally set a marshmallow on fire before, she decided to have them delivered separately so that she doesn't set all of them on fire accidentally.

To icprncss: Yes, I suppose it would have been eight and a half ringwraiths. However, certain rumours on fanfiction have claimed that Sauron might have been able to revive the Witch King, making it nine and a half ringwraiths.

To Lily Lindsey-Aubrey: Sauron is pleased that you liked his colours. He has always thought red and black was rather fashionable. I hope you enjoyed this tour to Rohan!

To horseyyay: Oh deary a minion! Well at least we survived :) I'm sure Frodo will be able to cope well, or the story will have to be re-written.

To sian22: Oh wow, a geologist! *bows down* Thanks for pointing out the errors, I never knew about all that! Haha, I am glad you enjoyed the trip although we risked vaporization :P

To KathyG: :O Where would you like to do then? The Author might consider bringing people around during her holidays :)

To Mirlasse: I'm looking forward to your story! Yes, Elrond and Isildur never went into Mount Doom, which is why that was merely a rumour :)

To OneSizeFitsAll: I hope you managed to take a peek into the room and join us on this tour :) Thanks for supporting and loving these trips :)

To Teapot of transformation: Another consistent supporter for mine :) Thanks so much for your review!

To Aria Breuer: A lake? Now that is interesting, given the temperature of Mordor. Yes, unfortunately we need fire proof suits in case any of us decide to come in close contact with the lava. Thanks for liking this story!

To ccgaylord: The Author wanted to visit the tower at first, but as she was planning the tour to the tower, an orc spot her, so for safety sake, she decided to steer off that venue. Thanks for enjoying the tour!

To Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant: I hope you took pictures of Shelob! Maybe you can pet a miniature figurine of her sold at the outskirts of Mordor instead. And I look forward to your updates :)


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